


Once Again for Tomorrow

by Daughter_Leilani



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Children, Comfort/Angst, Endgame, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Marriage, What Happened to Admiral Janeway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-06-28 07:15:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15702435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daughter_Leilani/pseuds/Daughter_Leilani
Summary: Admiral Janeway faces difficult memories and conversations on the eve of the Endgame mission.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress and chapters will be updated. Chapters will shift between present and future. Timeline Prime is Admiral Janeway's future without the events of Endgame. Timeline B is present time, during Endgame when Admiral Janeway is on Voyager. There are reasons for Janeway's bitter future, and maybe there is a chance she can change it for the better.

**2378 - Endgame Timeline B**

 

“Explain.”

 

Admiral Kathryn Janeway sighed into her tea as her blonde protege once again questioned her reasoning behind a time jump to the past. She blew gently on the hot brew before tipping to cup to her lips.

 

“Seven, you know I can’t. I’ve told you all I care to about the future. I want you and Chakotay to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

 

Seven was not pleased with the lack of information. She pursed her perfect lips and sat stiffly next to the admiral on the couch in the VIP quarters.

 

“You are drinking tea. That is not customary for you. What changed?” Seven asked.

 

Janeway raised an eyebrow in question. “I’m not allowed to change tastes?”

 

“My olfactory senses are superior to average humans. You are drinking tea blend number seventeen; Chakotay’s favorite.”

 

Janeway’s eyes lowered as a gentle smile crossed her lips. “Right again, Seven. This is Chakotay’s blend.”

 

“Why?”

 

Janeway twirled her mug in between her hands. Seven always was adept at asking pointed questions. She didn’t want to hurt the young woman, but her reasons for the tea were painful at best.

 

“It reminds me of him. That’s all,” she finally replied.

 

Seven mulled over the words for several seconds before correctly surmising the unsaid meaning.

 

“Chakotay is dead in your time isn’t he?” the blonde questioned.

 

Another deep sigh emanated from the older woman. A bone weary sigh borne out of pain and memory as much as age.

 

“Yes, he is,” Janeway responded.

 

“How did it happen? I want to prevent his death,” Seven stated. Janeway snorted in response.

 

“Don’t we all,” she mumbled under her breath. “Look Seven, I’m here to prevent a lot of death, a lot of pain, and a lot of suffering. For you, for him, and for many others. That’s all you need to know.”

 

Seven drilled her piercing eyes into the older woman, making her shift somewhat uncomfortably. She studied the stiff posture, the tight shoulders, and her toes clenching within her polished boots. Janeway’s respiration was faster than normal and her heat rate had increased. She knew Admiral Janeway didn’t want to continue the conversation, but she couldn’t let the matter drop. She needed more information. It was obvious the death caused untold pain to her former captain. Kathryn Janeway had proven to be the most maternal person she could remember. She cared deeply for the woman’s happiness and this Admiral was withholding information that could spare her younger counterpart the pain of losing a best friend.

 

“It is not logical to withhold this information. His death can be prevented,” the borg tried again.

 

“My decision is final,” Janeway replied sternly.

 

Seven understood she was being dismissed. She was not pleased,  but decided to let it go. Perhaps if she told Chakotay what she had learned, he would be more successful in drawing the information out of the older woman. Standing sharply, Seven spun on her heel and left the quarters.

 

Admiral Janeway closed her eyes and leaned her head on the back of the couch. She tried hard not to be angry. The young woman was just trying to protect her beau but the entire situation was too painful to remember. Most likely the traumas she knew would never happen. The damage of her future knowledge would fade to nothing when she died. The future was already changing, but she still struggled with the remaining selfish piece of her past, and their future.


	2. Chapter 2

**2379 - 1 year into future timeline prime**

 

“Lunch plans?” Kathryn asked her first officer. The smirk he had been sporting all afternoon slipped from his mouth.

 

“I have plans already. Raincheck?” he replied.

 

“You already owe me several rainchecks,” she laughed. 

 

His seriousness remained. “I know. And I’m sorry about that. Seven is taking a lot of my time.”

 

Janeway set aside her PADD of the engineering reports to focus on her best friend.

 

“You two have gotten pretty serious in the last several months, haven’t you?”

 

The smile returned to his lips as he thought of his significant other. 

 

“You could say that,” he replied. “We’ve been seeing each other for over a year. We’ve even talked some about getting married.”

 

Kathryn tried to swallow the growing lump in her throat and force her heart to begin beating again. Bile and regret taste similar, she discovered.

 

“That’s a big step, Chakotay. A very big step. Are you both ready for a commitment like that?” she whispered, hoping she was covering her distress with concern in her voice. If he noticed, he didn’t comment on it.

 

“I am. I’m concerned she is settling for me, but she assures me I’m the only one she wants. I just want her to be happy.”

 

“You don’t think she is happy with you?” Kathryn said.

 

“I think she is, but it’s a small ship, Kathryn. I believe a union of the souls is a one time occurance. Marriage is a very big deal to me, and my tribe. Divorce doesn’t really happen in my culture because we are very sure before we commit ourselves to another person.”

 

Kathryn had a lot of practice swallowing anguish where Chakotay was concerned. Redirecting attention usually worked, so she swung her chair around slightly to tap absently on the computer terminal. After she took a few calming breaths, she replied to his statements.

 

“Then I’m happy for you. If you decide to marry her, I’ll stand by you both,” she finally ground out.

 

He smiled and reached a hand out to stop her tapping on the terminal.

 

“Thank you, Kathryn. That means a lot to me. You are my best friend. I couldn’t imagine building a life with Seven if you weren’t supporting us. I love you for being such a good friend.”

 

His voice was honey dripping on a flame; sweet in the air, but vile as it touched her ears and burned her skin. She managed to fake another wide smile, even as her heart broke that much more.

 

“Of course,” she replied, quietly. “Now, I’ve got a lot of work to do, and you have a date. So you better get going.”

 

He nodded, stood, and strode out. The silence engulfed the room once again, and she allowed the tears to fall. She took a small indulgence of a sob or two before she began to reign herself in. This had always been her choice. He loved her once, as much more than a friend, but she had forced him away, and his love withered and died. It was her fault. How could he do anything but move on? 

 

Her best friend and her pseudo daughter getting married. The thought was sickening, but she once again swallowed her pride, and the bile rising to her mouth. This was her price to pay for command. And the price was very high this time. She paid with her own blood and tears, but the debt had to be paid. By all indications, she would remain a single woman well into her old age. Perhaps she would even die a spinster. At least Phoebe had children to continue on the Janeway lineage. No one would even notice there was a Janeway who disappeared into the pages of history. She would smile and congratulate the love of her life as he married someone else. No matter what she wished, she would do it. She was the captain. That’s all there was to it.


	3. Chapter 3

**2380 - 2 years into the future prime timeline**

 

“You doing okay?” B’Elanna Torres asked her captain as they stood side by side looking out the viewport. Well, to an outsider it appeared they were looking at the stars, but B’Elanna knew her captain was staring at the happy couple in the reflection of the transparent aluminum as they kissed to sounds of clinking spoons and glasses.

 

“Of course, B’Elanna. Miral was a beautiful flower girl,” Janeway replied, hedging to change the topic.

 

“Yes she was, and you are avoiding the topic,” the Klingon admonished. “We’ve had too many of these conversations for you to lie to me.”

 

Kathryn bowed her head slightly as she drummed up her courage to face this conversation yet again with her only friend anymore.

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say, B’Elanna. It’s killing me. But I have to put on a happy face for them,” she finally whispered, surreptitiously brushing a stray tear away.

 

“I know. But you don’t with me, and you know it. Tom is going to take Miral to Harry’s quarters for a while. You and me should crash our quarters and drink to oblivion.”

 

“You know I can’t. I’m still the captain. And now, that’s all I’ll ever be,” she whispered, turning to walk out of the mess hall doors.

 

B’Elanna wasn’t the only one who watched her go, but Chakotay didn’t care. He stood with his bride and continued his conversation with the EMH. She grumbled under her breath and followed her captain into the corridor. She found her angrily punching the turbolift controls when the lift failed to open the door as quickly as she wanted for her escape. When the older woman stepped into the opening doors, B’Elanna slipped in beside her.

 

“You need to talk about it,” B’Elanna stated.

 

“You aren’t my counselor, Lieutenant,” Janeway replied sternly.

 

B’Elanna slammed her first on the emergency stop controls for the turbolift. 

 

“Don’t you dare pull rank on me, Kathryn,” B’Elanna growled, emphasizing her name. “You brought me into this role, if you care to remember. Right after Miral was born, you told me about Chakotay and Seven. You told me the truth of how you felt and that you wanted me to protect you from yourself since you didn’t trust him to do it anymore. I’ve learned a lot about how Kathryn Janeway ticks in the last two years. You will not fall into a depression over this. Not when you’ve charged me with keeping an eye on you. Do you hear me?!”

 

During the engineer’s tirade, Kathryn’s lip curled up slightly. It broke into a full smile after a few seconds of silence.

 

“Yes, Ma’am. I hear you,” she replied with a grin. “Computer resume lift.”


	4. Chapter 4

**2378 - Timeline B**

 

She must have dozed off on the couch. Her tea spilling into her lap had woken her with a cold start. She stood up and gently stretched, feeling her back and hips pop, the sharp pain dulling some with the stretch. Getting old was a bitch.

 

She dumped the stone cold tea into the recycler and stared out the viewport of the VIP quarters. She remembered the night Chakotay married well. She put on a happy smile and married the two of them. In that moment, she would have given anything, her very soul even, to trade places with the young borg. Her command meant nothing. Her heritage, her commitment, her crew, meant nothing for the instant when his lips touched his bride’s for the first time as husband and wife. If Q himself had frozen time and offered her the chance to trade lives, no matter what the cost, she would have agreed readily. But the feeling lasted only for a moment. As they broke apart, Kathryn the woman collapsed further in on herself, and Kathryn the Captain took over. There was no hope for the woman anymore, so she was ready to devote herself to the mission and the lives she was entrusted with.

 

Turning her focus back to the matter at hand, she concentrated on the new plan to deliver the pathogen to the borg queen herself while Voyager attempted to destroy the hub from within an aperture. A risky plan indeed, but most of their best ones were. With great risk comes great rewards. Her father used to quote that often when she was a child. She remembered being told to reach for the stars, and even if she didn’t make it, she would still have reached further than someone who only set their sights on the lowest branch of a tree. She supposed that was still true. The ultimate goal had been reaching the Alpha Quadrant with Chakotay at her side. Starting a family perhaps. She fell short, but she still got her crew home. 

 

Shaking her circular thoughts, she contemplated a trip to be seen among friends once again, perhaps to the mess hall or the holodeck. She dismissed the idea almost as quickly. These weren’t her friends. Not yet. The Janeway of this time hadn’t been jaded by loss yet. She hadn’t been forced to find friendship among others when Chakotay turned his attentions elsewhere. No, these weren't her people yet. Hopefully they never would be. If everything went to plan, there could be more than one happily ever after. And if that meant Chakotay still chose Seven, at least this Kathryn Janeway wouldn’t have the torture of watching them live the life she desperately wanted for years. The door chime interrupted her musings. Absently she called for the visitor to enter.

 

“Admiral, may I come in?”

 

“Of course, Chakotay,” she replied warmly, gesturing him toward the couch.

 

“I know it’s late, but I wanted to talk to you before tomorrow.” His words petered out. She knew he probably wanted to ask how she was, but that was a silly question given that she was essentially going on a suicide mission the next day.

 

Taking pity on him, she gingerly sat next to him and lifted a hand to cover his.

 

“Thank you for checking on me,” she said. His smile warmed her heart.

 

“Of course. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do for you?” Chakotay asked.

 

Her breath came in a shudder. Of course there were many things she could ask. Ask him to break it off with Seven. Ask him to kiss his captain until she understood what she missed. Ask him to kiss HER so she could forget what she had already lost so many years ago.

 

“No, nothing,” the Admiral replied.

 

“I’ll admit I’m not sure what to call you. Admiral seems so…,” he started.

 

“Old?” she laughingly finished for him. “You used to call me Kathryn. That would do just fine.”

 

His smile broke like a sunrise over his features. He glanced down slightly as a blush covered his cheeks.

 

“I feel awkward with you. I guess because you have so much history that I don’t know yet. I’m not sure if we are even still friends in your time. You never mentioned me,” Chakotay stated.

 

Ignoring her previous hesitations revealing too much detail about the future, Kathryn Janeway made the first selfish decision she had ever made in her personal life. She decided to answer any question he asked. She withheld honesty from him in her time and it destroyed her. That was one mistake she could rectify here and now for her younger self. Perhaps she would thank the Admiral, perhaps she wouldn’t. But at least he would know the truth and make his own decisions based off that.

 

“Chakotay we were the best of friends for many years. I stood by you at your wedding. I supported you each and every day afterward. And I was with you the day you died,” Janeway whispered.

 

“Since you say you supported and stood by me, I’d say it’s safe to assume you and I didn’t get married then?” he laughed.

 

“No, we didn’t.” Her reply was filled with sadness, and a hint of anger. 

 

His mouth opened to ask who else he would marry when he remembered his few fledgeling dates with Seven of Nine. Surely not…

 

“Kathryn, did I marry Seven?”

 

She swallowed thickly and looked away from him.

 

“Yes you did. About two years from now, in my timeline.”

 

His thoughts churned with this new information. Marry Seven of Nine… How preposterous. He was just barely dating the girl. His memory jogged at his previous conversations with her in the astrometrics lab, and he cringed a little remembering his words of being within transporter distance. He could easily see how it could have gotten out of control in her timeframe.

 

“Are we being honest with each other, Kathryn? Can I ask you anything?” he questioned softly.

 

She took both his large hands in her small ones and connected watery blue eyes with solid brown.

 

“Anything.”

 

“I need to know what happened to us. I knew I was dead from the moment you got here. Because if I weren’t, I’d have been right beside you planning this mission. So the very fact you came alone told me I wasn’t there to help you,” he reasoned.

 

Her sigh drifted throughout the room, deafening in the silence. Where to begin?


	5. Chapter 5

**2381 - 3 years into the future Prime timeline**

 

Seven of Nine barged into the ready room without bothering to ring the chime. Kathryn looked up from her cup of coffee to see the young woman scowling at her.

 

“Please won’t you come in, Seven,” she deadpanned. “It’s customary to ring for entry, you know.”

 

Seven stepped forward several paces and tossed a PADD onto her captain’s desk.

 

“It’s customary to divorce your husband before allowing him to marry another as well,” the blonde countered.

 

She choked on her coffee, sputtering the hot liquid onto the desk and the PADD laying upon it. Using her sleeve to wipe the spill, she quickly scanned the contents of the PADD Seven had thrown on her desk. The PADD contained detailed information regarding tribal law of Native Americans. Particularly of the Central American descent including Chakotay’s tribe.

 

“Seven, I don’t understand,” Janeway said.

 

“I believe you do. Tribal law indicates that by cohabitating, you effectively married Chakotay on the planet you called New Earth.”

 

The color drained from Janeway’s face. This wasn’t possible. She read the sections more closely regarding marriage rites and details. When Chakotay had spoken to her of the importance of marriage in his tribe, she had assumed it involved a detailed ceremony. Apparently the emphasis was only placed on creating the union, usually by sharing a hut, and cohabiting signalled a marriage. That’s why divorce was uncommon. It was determined once you lived together that was it. 

 

“Seven, this would also mean that when Chakotay and I moved into separate spaces on Voyager after our return, we would have been divorced according to this interpretation,” Kathryn replied.

 

“Incorrect,” Seven replied with venom. “You did not live separately on the planet. You returned to Voyager together. Only then did you separate your living spaces. On the ship, it would have fallen under the jurisdiction of Federation Law regarding divorce.”

 

Kathryn rubbed her eyes tightly to fend off the headache building. This was simply not possible. She would know if she had gotten married. There had to be some sort of clause or addendum to the tribal law requiring something in writing to make it binding. The Federation could never uphold something so vague.

 

“This is an accidental marriage at worst, Seven. I don’t believe it’s a marriage at all. There was no ceremony, no witnesses, and nothing in writing. There is nothing for Federation Law to enforce. He nor I consented to a marriage on that planet, or anywhere else at any other time. Nothing is recorded to that effect either. Seven, you are blowing this out of proportion. Chakotay chose you. He married you, consciously, by choice. Accept that and be happy.”

 

Seven studied her captain carefully. 

 

“You have made my husband an adulterer. For that I cannot forgive you,” Seven hissed.

 

“You’re stepping over the line, Crewman,” Janeway warned.

 

“Chakotay is bound to me. I studied this text in regards to naming children. I wanted to tell you I have conceived Chakotay’s child and to follow tradition in allowing the next of kin to assist in choosing a name. You have spoiled this moment for me. I cannot trust you.”

 

“Seven, there is nothing to annul and there is nothing to divorce. Chakotay and I never recognized our living arrangement as a marriage. He is not an adulterer. I’m sorry this has caused you upset at a time of joy, but please understand I have no intention of getting in the way of you or your family. Chakotay is your husband. And I’m excited for you to carry his child. You will make wonderful parents, I’m sure.”

 

Seven’s shoulders dropped slightly. “I am being paranoid?”

 

“A little,” she replied.

 

“You do not wish to be involved with my husband?” Seven asked quietly.

 

There was a loaded question if she had ever seen one. Gritting her teeth, she responded the only way she could. Add another pint of blood to the debt owed to the captaincy of Voyager.

 

“No Seven. I don’t want to be involved with Chakotay that way and I would never stand in your way. I’m thrilled you thought to involve me in naming your child.”


	6. Chapter 6

**2378 - Endgame timeline B**

 

Kathryn sighed as she thought how to answer Chakotay’s question. Already she was somewhat regretting the honesty policy. His questions would blow her painful history wide open again. At least this time she only had to deal with the anguish for a few hours. Tomorrow, everything would be different.

 

“We drifted apart,” she finally answered. “You got married and focused on your wife, as you should, and I stayed away fulfilling my role as the captain.”

 

His brows furrowed as he tried to read depth in her cryptic answer. She could feel his eyes searching hers for more information, searching for a chink in her armor to start clawing away at. He would find it, she knew he would. He always did. It’s why she could never lie to him. Her Chakotay, in her time, stopping trying to find footholds with her. She didn’t have to try so hard to hide from him. He simply stopped looking.

 

“There’s more. I know there is.”

 

_There’s always more_ , she thought to herself. Feeling the need to put some physical distance between them along with the emotional, she pulled her hands from his and stood facing the viewport once again.

 

“Of course there’s more, Chakotay. But you don’t want to hear it, and frankly, I don’t like telling it. Regret is a bitter beverage and you know it,” Kathryn stated.

 

Respecting her space, he remained seated on the couch. He knotted his hands together and tried to dissect the situation. What would make her feel like this? What could convince him to abandon her? Even if he were to someday get married, especially not to her, he couldn’t imagine being able to go through with it without his best friend’s blessing.

 

“That’s it isn’t it? You gave me your approval but you didn’t mean it,” he accused. Her sigh echoed throughout the room once again.

 

“Of course I gave you my blessing, Chakotay. Above anything, I just wanted you to be happy. I still do.”

 

His mind spun at the concept. She told him to marry Seven, but she didn’t want him to. Why? Was it because she felt that he and Seven were wrong for each other? Or were there personal reasons? He hated to press her, but he had to know.

 

“What do _you_ want, Kathryn?” he asked, staring her down from across the room.

 

She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. She met his challenging stare for only a moment before backing down and looking away. Her reply, when it came was a pained whisper.

 

“Everything I can’t have.”

 

His heart fell at her broken tone. Rising to his feet, he stepped quickly to her side. Tentatively he placed his hand on her shoulder, feeling it slump slightly under the weight of his hand. He stood quietly before he felt the gentle shake of a sob threatening. Without thought, he turned her from the glass and into his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

**2381 - 3 years into future Prime timeline**

 

“Have you heard from him?” B’Elanna Torres asked of her captain as they sat together in the ready room eating salads for a quick lunch.

 

Janeway stabbed her tomato fiercely with a fork. Chakotay had been locked in his quarters for nearly a week attempting to deal with the sudden death of his pregnant wife. The Doctor’s report had been grim when he delivered the details to the Captain. Seven had been adjusting implants on her own prior to the away mission. Specifically, she attempted shutting down the implants that are designed to halt reproductive processes in drones. In trying, and succeeding, in getting pregnant, she had also inadvertently disabled her own regenerative properties. Her injuries on the away mission, though minor, had been enough to cause fatal damage to the former drone. She passed away in her husband’s arms just after being transported to sickbay.

 

“No,” Kathryn finally replied. “He won’t talk to me.”

 

B’Elanna pushed aside the remnants of her salad and studied her friend.

 

“He can’t blame you. You had no way of knowing Seven had been manipulating her implants.”

 

“No, but he can blame me for sending her on the mission. He told me when I assigned her to the team that with her pregnancy, she should remain on this ship. I disagreed that she was needed on the away team. It’s my fault she was on the shuttle in the first place,” she replied.

 

“Kathryn, you can’t think that way. It was an accident. A very unfortunate series of events occurred that no one could have predicted. Eventually, Chakotay will see that and come around. He just needs to grieve. And unfortunately, that means he will probably lash out at us. We aren’t allowed to hurt too.”

 

Kathryn smiled a little at that. “When did you get so wise, B’Elanna?”

 

The engineer paused for a moment considering her answer.

 

“About ten years ago; around the time I met you.”

 

B’Elanna watched Janeway’s cheeks redden slightly. The woman just could not accept a compliment. What she said was true, though. Kathryn Janeway had met B’Elanna head on in any challenge presented so far and taught her there was a balance between accepting the status quo and making noise to force change. The older woman had helped B’Elanna temper the Klingon blood as it simmered just under her skin. After her difficult relationship with her own mother, Janeway had stepped in comfortably in B’Elanna’s mind, even though she had never admitted it. Kathryn was a dear friend and an adoptive mother in her eyes. 

 

“Do you think I should seek him out?” Kathryn finally asked, pushing aside her own lunch.

 

“I do. He needs support right now. I think we both should try. Maybe not together though. I tend to get a little aggressive with grief,” B’Elanna laughed. “When he gets to the rage step, I can help. But I’m not a very good shoulder to cry on.”

 

Later in the day, Kathryn cautiously approached the first officer’s door.


	8. Chapter 8

**2378 - Endgame timeline B**

 

Chakotay held Kathryn’s older persona tightly as her arms encircled his back, one over his shoulder and one under his arm to link behind him. He murmured soothing words in her ear, his voice jumping from standard to his native language and back again. After several minutes, her shaking stilled and she pressed her ear closer to the calming beat of his heart.

 

Kathryn snuggled into his arms. It felt so good to be held by him once again. It had been a long time. Her feelings for him had never waned, even in the years since his death. The scars on her heart healed somewhat, but his name remained written across the surface like an unseen tattoo. After a few selfish beats longer, she finally pulled away and wiped at her tears. She took his hand and lead him once again to the couch to sit. He watched her carefully, but never pushed her to speak until she was ready.

 

“Chakotay, this is painful for me. Losing you almost destroyed me,” she finally said.

 

“I can imagine. Your death would equally devastate me.”

 

She shook her head vigorously for a moment, gulping in air as she calmed her memories.

 

“I lost you before that even happened. In my timeline…. In my time, I lost you just over three years from now,” came her watery reply. She watched as his brow furrowed in confusion.

 

“You married Seven. I smiled and congratulated you, but I didn’t want to. But you were happy, and I accepted that. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

 

His calm expression didn’t waiver. He could tell this was a painful subject for her, but he was grateful at least she was willing to reveal some of what led her to this moment. His questions bubbled dangerously close to the surface, but he kept quiet giving her time to come to terms with her memories and choose what to tell him. He knew if he pushed too hard, his Kathryn could clam up tighter than a forcefield, and he had to assume the same about the Admiral. 

 

“Chakotay, what I’m about to tell you needs to stay within these walls, do you understand?”

 

“Of course,” he replied, swiftly. He watched her take a deep breath before she began the tale of how they fell apart.


	9. Chapter 9

**2381 - 3 Years into future Prime timeline**

 

“You aren’t welcome here, Kathryn.”

 

His voice was a growl in the darkened quarters. When he hadn’t answered her chimes, she overrode his door to at least make sure he was alive. She swallowed thickly as she stood just inside the open doorway of his quarters.

 

“Please Chakotay. I just wanted to check on you. I’m worried about you,” she replied hesitantly.

 

He huffed a bitter laugh. She heard the clink of glass on his table as he shuffled around a bottle of alcohol.

 

“I’d rather you didn’t worry about me anymore. You don’t seem to understand I want to get away from you.”

 

“Why?” she asked. She jumped as the glass he had been holding flew across the room and smashed against the wall beside her. She watched the amber liquid slide down the wall and join the glass shards on the carpeting just beside the open doorway. Taking a deep breath, she stepped further into the darkened room, allowing the door to the corridor to close and snuff out most of the light.

 

“Just leave,” he growled.

 

“I won’t. Chakotay, you are my best friend. I know you are hurting, but I don’t want you to face this alone.”

 

“You! You have done all this to me! You ruined us! And then you ruined my life when I tried to move on without you! It’s always about you!” he roared.

 

“How? How did I ruin your life?” Kathryn asked. He was yelling but at least he was responding to her now. That had to be improvement.

 

“Do you know what Seven’s last words to me were?” he calmly asked, now that his anger was partially spent.

 

“I don’t.”

“‘This is for the best. Now you can continue your marriage to the Captain.’ That’s what she said.”

 

Kathryn’s shoulders slumped. She had told Seven they were never a married couple, but obviously she had continued to let the thought fester. She watched Chakotay take a swig out of the bottle of alcohol as she pondered her next move.

 

“I told her we never recognized it as a marriage. I don’t know why she still thought that,” Kathryn said.

 

“You never talked to me about it. Shouldn’t I have been in on that conversation?”

 

“What would you have said? Why would it matter? If she had just let it drop, there would be no issue,” she replied.

 

“Well she didn’t. Lucky me,” he replied with sarcasm. “I was married to two women at once. Now one’s dead and the other doesn’t want me.”

 

“Chakotay, I don’t know what you want me to say. It wasn’t a marriage. But you and Seven were married. She loved you, and she wanted to carry your child. I know you are hurting, but you know she wouldn’t want you to be this way.”

 

“Kathryn,” he shakily said. “Did you ever stop to think maybe I didn’t tell you about the marriage traditions on purpose?”

 

Her brow furrowed. She didn’t know why he would phrase his question like that. Without responding, she sat down in a chair across from him. Her eyes had adjusted to the dim light and she was shocked to see how he looked. Her normally put together first officer was wearing a partial uniform, likely from several days prior judging by the wrinkles and stains. His face showed several days of unshaven hair growth, but underneath, she could see the start of withdrawn cheeks. The stains were likely from alcohol, but it was obvious Chakotay hadn’t eaten in a while. Her concern for her best friend jumped another level.

 

“What do you mean?” she asked.

 

“I knew what we had could be considered a marriage. But I knew that you didn’t want that, so I didn’t mention it. I didn’t want to add to your burdens. But yes, technically we were, and still are married. We didn’t divorce because I never told you. I think that’s why I am having so much trouble processing Seven’s death. She was right. I was married to someone else when I married her. I feel like I cheated on her and she didn’t deserve it. She deserved better than me,” he replied, hanging his head low. “And she died trying to give me what she thought I wanted.”

 

She watched as the guilt settled over his hang dog posture. Without saying another word, she stood from the chair and crossed the room to his side. Sitting next to him, she pulled him into her arms and rubbed his back gently as he released his grief through tears soaking her shirt. She couldn’t think of a single thing to say, so she just sat and rubbed his shoulders. What else could she do? There’s no way to undo the past. And the future looked just as bleak. She held him tightly and shed a few tears of her own. A few tears for her own loss, but mostly for her young protege. She had left her husband a broken man, and there was nothing Kathryn could do to help him put the pieces back together.

 


End file.
